


I wake up.

by julzapple



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Fluff, How Do I Tag, I Tried, M/M, One Shot, POV Baz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 13:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6660910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julzapple/pseuds/julzapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baz wakes up, and each time, something's different</p>
            </blockquote>





	I wake up.

I wake up and my mother’s gone. I scream for her, because I’m only five and I have no clue what happened and I just want my mother. But she’s gone and so is the nursery and there’s nothing I can do to change that. 

I wake up and it’s dark and damp. I don’t know where I am, and my leg is throbbing and I’m starving. I can here something shuffling outside of wherever the fuck I am, and then  _ something _ opens a door and a cup’s being shoved into my hands and it’s  _ blood _ and I don’t think of where the blood’s from because I’m  _ starving _ . And I drink until I’m full and then the cup’s wrenched from my hands and I’m stuck in the dark again. 

I wake up cold. I should be used to it. I should be used to being a vampire. To being a monster. But I can’t. Because I can still remember, just barely, what it was like before. I can remember sitting next to my mother by the fire, feeling warm, feeling  _ alive _ . I wish I could go back.

I wake up hungry. Hungry for food, for blood, for  _ him. _ It’s always him. Kill him or kiss him. It’s a game I’ve played since fifth year, when I realized that maybe hate wasn’t the only thing I felt for him. When I realized that maybe I loved him. On bad days, I’d choose to kiss him. Just so I’d what it felt like, and for a split second, I’d be happy. And then he’d kill me and put me out of my misery. On good days, I’d kill him. I’d rid the world of Simon Snow and make my parents and the rest of the old families happy. I’d kill him so I’d be free. I think today, I’d kiss him first, and then, as he kissed me back, I’d bite him and drain him of his blood, and that’s be the end of it. I’d make everyone happy. Except for myself. 

I wake up and he’s getting dressed. I’m not sure if this is a blessing or a curse. He’s got a really nice back. It’s covered in freckles and moles and I just want to trace them, connect all the constellations. He has a  _ really  _ nice back, and now I won’t be able to stop thinking about it.

I wake up and I’m back home, except not really. The bed is nothing like the one at Watford. The mattress is too stiff and there’s bloody gargoyles all over it. I didn’t realized how much easier it was to sleep when I could hear Simon breathing from the other side of the room. 

I wake up and Simon’s sleeping on my couch. He’s sleeping and I can’t help but stare at him. Because once this school year’s over, we’ll have to be enemies for real, and I won’t be able to look at him unless we’re fighting. But he’s here because he wants to  _ help me _ , and for once, I think that maybe we won’t have  to be enemies forever. Maybe we can change. 

I wake up and Simon’s asleep next  to me. I look at his face. At the moles and freckles that I’ve mapped out, that I’ve basically committed to memory. I know his face by heart, but I stare at him anyway, and store the memory away, because when he wakes up, we’ll probably go back to fighting, go back to acting like enemies.

I wake up and I can smell Simon cooking breakfast in the kitchen. I don’t know how I got this lucky, how I managed to be  _ happy _ . Happy with Simon Snow. If I told fifth year me, he’d think that I was joking and that it was some sick prank. I still can’t believe this is real, all these years later. 

I wake up and Simon isn’t here. He’s gone. Dead. I still feel guilty. I know that I shouldn’t blame myself. I know that there was nothing that I could’ve done. I wasn’t even there. He was attacked by fucking goblins on the walk home from the store. The still hate him, even though he hasn’t done anything to provoke them in  _ years _ . Even though he doesn’t even have magic anymore. I’m going to kill every single one of the goblins. 

I wake up and Simon’s  _ there _ . He’s right there and I can almost smell him. Cinnamon and bacon and smoke. He’s there and for a minute I think he’s alive. But then I look at him closer and he’s a holograph, he’s pale and translucent. He’s a ghost. But I can still pretend. He tells me that it isn’t my fault, that there's nothing that I could’ve done. And I know that, but hearing him say it makes it true. He kisses me, and for a moment, I pretend. I hold him and and I pretend until he fades away.   

I wake up and I still miss him, but it’s better now.  _ I’m  _ better now. I can carry on. 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry this is so bad i literally wrote it right after a test during second period and also i'm really high-key procrastinating writing Pas De Deux


End file.
